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Ramble

The all so familiar feeling of being gross and empty is hanging around
again today. It makes me want to cut because when i feel this way self
blame bugs me a lot and the feeling of being 'dirty' combined with it,
it makes me hate myself. Sometimes i want to punish myself for letting
myself be raped, i should of called out for help coz my mum was nearby
at one occasion, but instead i just lay there and did nothing and so
for that its like ive gotta be punished.

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Sent from my mobile device

Fear of freedom

What im about to say will probably sound crazy to some of you, but
anyway here it goes; im scared of freedom. Ive been hurt and abused
most of my life and now that im on my way to freedom of abuse AND its
effects, it is just a big change. I often worry about getting abused
again because part of me feels that i probably wouldnt be able to
survive another round of abuse, my last time i got abused it messed me
up a lot and hardly made my way through it, still am trying to get
through it. I dont like the unknown, it scares me. People tell me this
will all get easier, i always say well its been 2yrs IM STILL WAITING

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Sent from my mobile device

Pro actress

One thing about those that have been abused, is that we are pro
actors/actresses. I say this because we get used to hiding the abuse
by fooling everyone that all is well, that extends to those that have
'come out' about current or past abuse because we can pretend that we
are coping well, when really we a wreck inside. I use my acting skills
every day, im really most of the time i am a walking bottel of
confusion. Maybe one day i will become such a great actress i will be
able to even fool myself intobelieving that i'm okay.

I love you...

I love you.... 3 words...so hard for me to say. Today a friend said
they love me as a daughter, i said it back, but as i did i felt a
reluctance to say it. Its happened before. Im almost certain its
because of my past abuse, since my abusers were family and they were
meant to love me, but instead....they hurt me.

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Sent from my mobile device

How can my own mum be so heartless.

My mum was in a bad mood today. Like any other time she is, it results
in me being in the firing line. She said its good that i am sick. Like
WTF? I collapsed today and she says it good im sick. FEEL THE LOVE
PEOPLE! *sarcasim*. She also said that i wont be welcome here much
longer most likely...THANKS MUM YOUR HUSBAND RAPES ME AND YOU KICK ME
OUT WHEN I NEED SUPPORT. Keep the pedo get rid of the victim....yeah
fab move mum you gonna be mother of the year one day! NOT. She is just
so heartless and unsupportive. SUCH A BITCH!! It as if she has
forgotten im her daughter.

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Sent from my mobile device

Survivor?

Im finding myself asking why am i called a survivor? Sure physically
im fine, but the person i used to be is dead. So have i really
survived? Or is it just wishful thinkin?

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Sent from my mobile device