Ramble

The all so familiar feeling of being gross and empty is hanging around
again today. It makes me want to cut because when i feel this way self
blame bugs me a lot and the feeling of being 'dirty' combined with it,
it makes me hate myself. Sometimes i want to punish myself for letting
myself be raped, i should of called out for help coz my mum was nearby
at one occasion, but instead i just lay there and did nothing and so
for that its like ive gotta be punished.

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Sent from my mobile device

Fear of freedom

What im about to say will probably sound crazy to some of you, but
anyway here it goes; im scared of freedom. Ive been hurt and abused
most of my life and now that im on my way to freedom of abuse AND its
effects, it is just a big change. I often worry about getting abused
again because part of me feels that i probably wouldnt be able to
survive another round of abuse, my last time i got abused it messed me
up a lot and hardly made my way through it, still am trying to get
through it. I dont like the unknown, it scares me. People tell me this
will all get easier, i always say well its been 2yrs IM STILL WAITING

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Sent from my mobile device

Pro actress

One thing about those that have been abused, is that we are pro
actors/actresses. I say this because we get used to hiding the abuse
by fooling everyone that all is well, that extends to those that have
'come out' about current or past abuse because we can pretend that we
are coping well, when really we a wreck inside. I use my acting skills
every day, im really most of the time i am a walking bottel of
confusion. Maybe one day i will become such a great actress i will be
able to even fool myself intobelieving that i'm okay.